An Actor in a Film He Didn’t Write

I sit once again window side looking out on a scene that would be featured in any Hallmark movie. The snow from two nights ago has been carved onto the sides of the streets, now enhancing the color of the red bricks that have built up this small American town. Every now and then, the whirrs of the latte wands will break up the consistent chatter of local regulars. There’s a familiarity with everyone here. There’s something tangible through their nods and their eye contact. They are the characters in the movie. They fit this town. They were cast perfectly for the film. You’d watch the movie and believe they belonged. I’d be one who attempted to be cast as an extra, only to be turned down. “We like you and you do have a certain look. We just don’t feel like you belong in this particular movie. We will keep your resume on file and be sure to call you once the right story comes along!” That was the casting call in Tokyo. That was the casting call in Seattle. And that is the casting call in Hallmark Move 32, shot in the quaint town of Bixby, Oklahoma.

And yet, there’s still this unique ability to be cast in nothing and everything at once. So long as I sit far enough away, I can fit. More than any character, I have become accustomed to being the audience- interacting with a film in real time. It’s a popular notion that we are the author to our own story, but I’m old enough to know this is not entirely true. Yes, we should attempt personal responsibility as a core principle to live by, but I have found peace that I am not in fact the script writer. I am an actor in a film I did not write. I await on the right film to be cast in and a role to fit a past that I did not orchestrate. To write our own story would be to say that we can dictate a future we can hardly predict. We can strive to pave our own future but we rely heavily on all the pieces coming together.

In any story, there are several characters. As we crack our knuckles and begin writing the first few lines on our typewriter, we may see the power of our assumptions that everything goes smoothly in our story. The main character, for example, may be heading to work. A simple sentence and assumption written by the author in order to get the character from point A to point B, but real life is quite different. The bus driver may have decided he has had enough of living a predictable life and decides to quit- causing his route to be hours late while his company scrambles for someone to pick up his duties. If we are to write our own stories, we have to assume that everyone’s part is played according to how we’d prefer. If you’ve ever tried to make a simple appointment as the first step towards paving your own future- you can see how difficult this is. The other party may agree to what you had discussed and then break their agreement. You call the other party to make an appointment and they don’t answer the phone. The agreement remarkably goes well on both sides, but then you hurt yourself, (not a part of the script). All this to illustrate, that I am old enough to know that, though I attempt very vigorously to spark vision and push myself ahead, I am but an actor in a film I didn’t write.

So should we attempt to write a story when it is clear that we are not the author? I enjoyed watching an interview with Kieran Culkin, (actor in perhaps his biggest role in Succession) where he said: “I sort of object to when actors call themselves storytellers... I don't think that I'm telling the story when I'm doing the scene with someone.” I think this is correct and a humble way to approach life. There’s someone writing a script. Perhaps had we managed our own story from start to finish, our “wants” and our plots would have indeed destroyed us. This too is a rather remarkable thought, that we (who should know more than anyone) can hardly really tell what we want. The writer therefore protects us from ourselves because they see a story in perspective. They know the characters. They know the plot. They see outside, through a lens, onto paper, and the actors merely show up when they’re told to. They read the lines. They tell a story that they didn’t write and are often just as shocked when they turn a page and see how the creator knit the whole thing together.

Ramblings from a cafe in the middle of the country because I find myself right here in a place I could not have scripted. I am but an actor in a film I didn’t write.